I'm on Vacation Bitches!

I so wanted to scream that out when I left the office on Friday evening. Of course, since it was Friday evening (7 pm to be exact), there was no one else there. Kind of loses the whole effect, don't you think?

Regardless, it is true. We are leaving for vacation tomorrow and headed to Sin City. It is our go-to vacation. When B and I started dating we got into a routine as to vacations due to our work schedules. The routine involved a vacation in October/November and then another in February or March. If my memory serves me correctly, the first one was to Vegas. I wasn't so sure about that as a destination, but B talked me into it. Little did I know that inside me lives a secret slot jockey. B could barely tear me away.

So, naturally, when we decided against a big wedding and when we started thinking about destination weddings, it was Vegas. And so we got married there 2 1/2 years ago.

A picture of us in front of the Bellagio fountains:

You wouldn't know it from that picture, but we were crowded by about a million people. The only way we were able to get up to the banister was to promise two ladies we would take our picture and hustle out of there. In exchange, they decided to become the "wedding dress protectors" and screamed at everyone to STAY AWAY FROM HER DRESS. They showed so much enthusiasm that I didn't bother to tell them the bottom was completely trashed anyway. As a matter of fact, I still think there is a bug stuck to it. Well, at least its skeletal remains that is.

How about a GQ pose of us:

That was about the 150th picture my brother took. He was trying to get one with the fountains going off just right. Why? Because naturally we got engaged in front of those very fountains the November prior:

The above is what happens when you let complete strangers take your picture. I swear I did not add any effects. At least half of B's face is preserved for history.

So off we go back to our city, not as an engaged couple, not as a married couple, and not on a family trip.* Just the two of us - B the poker stud and, I, the slot jockey.

Miss me bitches!** I will miss you.

*That family trip was pretty awesome. Read all about it here.

**Or bastards if you prefer. For you non-swearers, it will be bunnies.***

***That is an inside joke I have with...myself. Yep, I need a vacation.

****My profile picture is also from my wedding. I am laughing in it because right before I had to leave the dressing room my phone went off telling me I had an appointment - to get married. I apparently set it while in Vegas in November when we picked the date and forgot about it.

*****Some posts will be posted throughout the week, all written in advance and probably completely random. They will not, however, have 5 sets of asterisks.

Flashback Friday: It's Never Too Dark to Wear Shades

When I was a small child in middle school, we made a time capsule. Okay, I wasn't small. It was 1984 or 1985 so I was about 12 or 13. In any event, we filled out a piece of paper that, today, would be considered a meme on the internet. It had information about us, what we liked, what was happening that year, etc. The goal, I believe, was to open it the next year. My memory is actually fuzzy on the specifics.

You know who's memory is not fuzzy? My mom's memory. That woman is as sharp as a tack, whatever that means. One time I mentioned the time capsule and she reminded me what I put in it. Yes, she remembered after all of those years. I wish she had forgotten.

Apparently, I wrote that my favorite song of all time - ALL TIME - was Corey Hart's "I Wear My Sunglasses at Night."

Wait...what?

I must have banged my head as a child. However, for your listening and reading pleasure, below is a video from You Tube complete with lyrics. Check this gem out:

Now I am kind of confused about some of they lyrics. Let's start with these:

And I wear my sunglasses at night, so I can, so I can

Keep track of visions in my eyes

Honestly, that may be the only part of the lyrics that make some sort of sense to me. I mean if you are wearing sunglasses it blocks everything from your sight so you can only see the visions in your eyes (or head). Wait? Sunglasses only cut down on glare? They don't make you blind? Well, there goes that theory.

Now about these lyrics:

Don't switch the blade in the guy in shades, oh no

Don't masquerade with the guy in shades, oh no, I can't believe it

'Cause you got it made with the guy in shades, oh no

Before I discuss these, I want to note that I believe this song is a love song. Don't believe me? Just take another look at that last line "you got it made with a guy in shades." Sounds like a love tune to me.

However, I am not quite sure what "don't switch the blade" means? Is there a knife involved? Is this a song about domestic violence? Also, I think masquerading around someone wearing shades is perfectly acceptable because they CANT SEE YOU. Oh, wait. That's right. You are just not as bright or something.

Speaking of bright...I think I lost half of my brain cells analyzing this song that I thought was super cool in the 80s. So cool, it made it into a TIME CAPSULE as my favorite song EVER.

I need therapy.

If you want to check out the actual video with Corey Hart, follow the link below. The video will not assist you much in figuring out the lyrics unless watching Corey sing into a phone "don't switch the blade on a guy in shades, oh no" while the cops approach means something to you. If it does, and you can explain, please let me know. I have a time capsule to edit.

I wonder where they buried it...

check out the you tube video here (sorry, it will not allow to embed in the post).*

*Tell me that is not a catchy tune.

**How funny are some of those comments on You Tube?

If You Don't Cooperate, I am Sending the Lion After You

We are in the waiting room for blood draws only.

You are in your dress pants, dress shoes and undershirt, having already removed you dress shirt, suit jacket and top coat in anticipation of having your blood drawn.*

So when the nurse comes to the door and calls you name, you look more than a little bit foolish when you look up and answer "What?" as if you have no clue why she is there.**

On another note, is a sexy lion costume really appropriate for a doctor's office or any office for that matter?

Halloween brings out all of the freaks.***

*I typically do not completely undress to get blood drawn from my ARM, but that's just me.****

**The appropriate response is to smile and/or say "yes", as you get up and move toward the nurse. It is not proper to just sit there with your newspaper saying "what" repeatedly. Take note half dressed man!

***Or is that a full moon? I can't keep this straight.

****I also do not get undressed in common waiting areas. Again, that's just me.

My Nose Works Just Fine, Thank You Very Much!

The other day at the office a woman and I got on to the elevator at the same time. I noticed that she was carrying a take out box from the deli on the first floor. I knew that it was Mexican day at the deli and her food smelled good, so inquired as to what she had in her box stating "What do you have there? It smells so good!" Her reply?

"You can't smell my food."

Um, wait. What? Yes, I CAN smell your food. I DID smell your food. Now I am asking you about your food. So I reply:

"So, what do you have THERE?"

She says "Taco salad."

"Yeah, I CAN SMELL IT."

She says "Really?"

Um, what? Why is she finding it so hard to believe I can smell her food? Does taco meat not smell? Does she not want to tell me what she has? Is it a secret? Is she scared I am going to copy her and go get the same thing like I do to B so now he makes me order first? Did she think I was trying to pick her up with my sexy what-kind-of-food-you-got-there pick up line?

I was so perturbed I decided not to tell her that her food probably isn't going to smell so good coming out.*

*Damn greasy deli food that tastes good but isn't good and my stomach wishes for once my tastebuds would listen to it.

Our First Halloween: Pumpkins, a Dragon, and Many Cars

This was our first Halloween in the new house. We had been warned about the number of kids/adult trick or treaters that we may encounter. We border another city that has a really early curfew (6 pm) due to crime and other issues, so those parents usually bring their children to our side...in cars. Our street was packed.

We invited B's sister and her family over to trick or treat with us and help us pass out candy. We had so much fun!

First up - the carved pumpkins. This one was mine:

B carved this one to look like it had fallen. One poor girl was traumatized until her father said "he is just sleeping." A few other children pointed out that he had fallen over. I guess B is a genius. And a sadist.

B drilled holes into this one and it looked great lit up. We left it in our backyard glowing eerily all night. Of course THAT picture didn't turn out. Side note: I hate my camera and/or the memory card that messes up half my pictures.

Here is another one that B carved. Before I went to go look at it, I asked him what kind of face he carved and he replied "a happy one." Um, well...

My pumpkin was quite disturbed to discover he had lost part of his scalp:

B's pumpkin, on the other hand, didn't seem to mind:

There is our nephew, dressed as a SCARY dragon, going to greet the early trick or treaters:

And there he is sticking his head in B's pumpkins. Did I tell you he is obsessed with pumpkins?

I wanted a picture of the pumpkins lit up at night. B wanted to ham it up with our brother-in-law, so they are pretending B is handing out candy and my brother-in-law is a child with a back problem:

After B's sister and her family returned from trick or treating, they told us some guy on the next block had a hearse. No biggie to us as he drives it every day. Apparently, though, he decked it out for Halloween and it included lights, a fog machine and scary music. You had to reach into the hearse to get your candy. Spooky!

Toward the end of the night, the kids mainly came in cars. Our street was packed:

It was a terrific night! Just when I thought we would have a ton of left over candy, the second shift came and nearly wiped us out. Luckily we were smart enough to turn out our light when we had two small bags left (100,000 bars - YUM). In case you were wondering, we bought approximately 900 pieces of candy.

Some other highlights from the night included:

• The 2 year old dressed like Michael Jackson, complete with hat, glove, socks, and sunglasses who would only say "oooh oooh" very softly under his breath.
• Seeing Mario run down our street to meet up with a kid dressed as a bicycle cop, complete with the bicycle
• Seeing Mario's father walk down the street 15 minutes later stating "I lost my Mario" only to return later to declare "I found him. He was under a giant mushroom."
• Seeing two teenagers in masks stare each other down in our walkway and asking B if he knew why they were having a "mask off"
• The mustard and ketchup costumes that we thought were crayons from across the street
• The woman that asked our in laws if she could pay them a couple of dollars to use our bathroom
• Our elderly next door neighbor running over dressed as the killer from Scream and holding a doll from The Scream painting which made noises and scared the crap out of the kids asking for candy
• Our neighbors' bat hanging from their doorway that was supposed to make noises when anyone approached, but wouldn't do anything unless he clapped so he would open the door, clap, scare the kids and then the bat would make noise
• B telling me to go pretend I was a scarecrow and scare the kids but instead I scared myself when the cornstalk touched me

Even the plants in our garden turned orange for the occasion:

Hope your Halloween was filled with candy, costumes and cute kids!

Is That a Long Tube of Cotton Sticking Out of Your Ear?

The other day B picked up a small box I had received in the mail, held it to his ear, shook it and said "What do we have here?" in a weird British accent. I said "Tampons." He put them down and said "Whelp, I wont be needing those."

I hope not.

But if he does? I have PLENTY. You know my little obsession with buying bargains/deals? Well, when I wasn't looking, I apparently bought an entire store of tampons. I seriously keep finding them everywhere. I could supply a whole village. Well, if they only all just used one which would be weird. You get my point.

Instead of supplying a village, I decided to come up with some creative uses for my abundance of product. In no particular order:

Wine stoppers (who wants to come party with us now?)

Drain clogs

Upside down hanging ghosts (perfect for Halloween!)

Tie to a stick for a cat toy

Use as a newfangled way to "drink" vodka

Use as earplugs when the cats won't stop hissing, yelling and crying (like now)

Use as a newfangled way to get the cats to drink vodka so they will be quiet

The options truly are endless.

This picture was taken by my Mom's house. How fun are those fall decorations?

*This insane post is brought to you by too many hours at the office and not enough hours in the bed. At this time I would like to thank my sponsor, i.e. the law firm. I couldn't have done this without you. Cheers!

Crime Watch Wednesday: Some Like It Hot

This week's crime watch chronicles highlights our town's finest performing their duties for this town's dumbest:

Police were called for a possible LOS. (That's Left On Stove for all of you non-policemen out there). A woman on her way home from the bar called to say she thought she might have left the stove on and wanted the police to check it out. Despite the insanity of her request and despite the fact that HOURS had passed since she left the stove on, the police responded to the call. An officer was dispatched to the home. Upon an inspection through a window, and having seen (a) the house still standing, and (b) no smoke or flames, the officer CALLED the lady back and gave her the update.

You see, I don't believe this was part of the "Getting to Know Your Neighborhood" package we received when we first moved in. How was I supposed to know that you could contact the police to check to see if you left your stove on? Or that the police would kindly call you back while you are on your way back from the bar so you wouldn't have to fret and could concentrate on attempting to drive sober although you are really wasted. The police better hope we do not have a large closed head/traumatic brain injury population or they will never have a moment's peace. They are known for leaving stoves on left and right.*

Speaking of which, I could have used their assistance on more than one occasion recently, the police that is. If you will recall, the stove that came with our house is from 1952 - the Ropermatic. It is a gas stove with a gas leak. We only just recently replaced it. Safety first, people! Or, in our case, like fourteenth. Anyway, before replacing it, there was quite the procedure to ensure we were not being infused with noxious gas on a regular basis. First, the gas had to be turned off after every use. The routine would be turn gas on, light the burner (Yes you had to manually light it! Hello - it is 1952 in our kitchen! You also had to wear an apron and heels. B looked so cute). When you were done you were supposed to turn the gas off first so that you could see all the flame went out before you turned off the burner, thus making sure no extra gas escaped. Sound easy? Maybe it was, but really not the point. There has been more than one occasion in which I did not comply with said rules.

One day B came home and asked me to come downstairs. I was super excited thinking he had brought me a present. For being wonderful, you know.

B: Come down here.

Me: YAY! Presents {insert clapping}

B: What? Just come down here.

Me: Well, I don't like the tone your voice has taken.

Upon arriving downstairs:

B: Notice anything unusual around here?

Me: {looking around} Well, I don't see any presents, that's for sure!

B: Why would there be presents?

Me: The real question is why AREN'T there presents?

B: DO YOU SEE ANYTHING UNUSUAL AROUND HERE?????

Me: no.

B: Really? NOTHING?

Me: um, NO.

Apparently I was completely oblivious to the burner that was STILL BURNING on the stove. Flames and everything.** I told B it had only been on for 5 minutes, but really it was 15. I am sure B thinks it was 30.

Do you think the police would come if I called them from upstairs to see if the stove was on?

"The call is coming from INSIDE THE HOUSE"***

*I may have a brain injury.

**Then there was the time I just left the gas on but turned off the burner. B accused me of trying to kill him. Good thing he doesn't smoke...

***Can you name that scary movie during this Halloween week?

****I write about fire a lot, don't I?

Feline of the Corn

Does your cat eat half a thing of corn bread that you left on top of the microwave that was in a sealed package?

Does your cat CONTINUE to eat the corn bread even when you say "HEY - what are you doing?"

Does your cat STILL eat the corn bread even after you yell "ARE YOU F'ING KIDDING ME"?

Does your cat not even flinch when you come at him with the Dustbuster to clean up the corn bread pieces strewn all around the dining room?

Does your cat come crying to you later attempting to make you believe he is starving despite the fact that he JUST ATE CORN BREAD?

If so, congrats, you have a Chester.

And here I thought it was strange when he ate a tomato.*

*One time I left a tomato on our counter at the condo and woke up to see tiny little bite marks in it. Those cats will eat anything!